12:44pm: Changes
Life goes in cycles. I've always known this. I always notice when my life cycles come.

Up until now every time I hit that part of my cycle where my life craps out and my personality changes and I end up becoming a new person afterwards......I always went through it kicking and screaming. Hating it every moment.

This time it seems to be much smoother. I'm sure it's because this time I am looking to that change. I'm reaching for it and accepting that it's coming and looking forward to seeing what happens. And now I know I'm going to go through it on purpose...many times to come.

It's funny. How things change. They've changed so much and all for the good. I'm looking to the future and hoping. I know what I want........and now...instead of feeling helpless and not knowing how it's going to happen...I'm just accepting that it will happen and moving in the direction of it so that when it lands, my hands will be open and ready for it.

What is a god in your life? I've realized that I've made money a god in my life and I don't like that. That stops now. Money is only money. It's not what I really want. It's merely the means to it. Without that want...money means nothing.

Here's to opening my perspectives and looking toward my goals in a possitive manner.
Banishing negativity and fear from my life and embracing possibilities.

7:02am: Harvest
It is almost Mabon and the equinox is coming. Time for harvest. I can feel it in the air. I always could feel it, but I didn't have words for it until lately. I was discussing with some friends about it and the difference between how our ancest0rs dealt with harvest and how we do now. We don't, really. We can always go to the store and get our food no matter what season it is. And in CA the seasons have so little change that we can still grow things here...not that we do. Still... There was a debate about how far away we've become and how close our ancestors were to the earth and nature and all of that. Some kept saying that we should go back...that we should find ways to express that need and desperation and closeness with nature and all.

But it occured to me that...I still feel the seasons change. I can feel that it is fall and that things are winding down...I can feel the charge in the air. That hasn't changed.

Our ancestors worked the earth and hunted for necessity. They broke themselves all year long for the sole purpose of surviving. They didn't do it out of an intention to be close to nature or the gods. That was just a side effect. They did it to survive and provide for their families. All their energy went to that.

We don't have to expend all our energy on survival. Thus...we are able to turn our concentration toward other kinds of harvests. We can concentrate and devote ourselves to things that our ancestors never had the opportunity to. And while we may not live a test of our own mettle every moment of every day...we still test ourselves in other ways. We plant the seeds of different crops...mental, emotional, religious, studious...we can expand ourselves and educate ourselves...we know so much more than those hunter-gatherers ever could have comprehended because of our environment...our time...

We have our own harvests and we can feel that it is time to look and see what has come to fruit and what hasn't...what will change us through this dying part of the year and bring us out into spring once more. I've found myself looking almost desperately for these things that should be mature and ready to reap...but I didn't nurture them like I should have. So they are not ready. It's very frustrating at this time of year. Now I can see why. I have resolved to bring them to fruition by next harvest. Hopefully I will.

The main question that I think should be asked of ourselves is...what is it that we have devoted all our energy to? What is it that we concentrate on? Do we walk around looking with open eyes? Or do we only do that when we are in a circle? Do we always have our head in our blackberry or email or job? Do we even think about anything else during our day? Do we take time at least once a day to align ourselves or to draw energy or to just listen to our surroundings?

That is what we should concentrate on. More than whether we are as down to earth as our ancestors. Because I know for a fact that there were plenty of ancestors back in the day who did exactly the same thing. They got caught up in problems, in worries, in thinking about other things. Not every ancestor was in tune with nature. If that was so then our world would never have progressed as it has...into burning times and fear and hostility.

We are all one, yes. But we need to remember that we are different because we so choose it...or because we can't ignore it like non-pagans do. And those same differences have persisted throughout time and history. Nothing is new under the sun and the moon.

As above, so below.
As in the past...so are we now.
It is all the same. Just different.

7:59am: oh so lazy
I have been lax. Letting myself get caught up in reality.
What a horrible thing to do. Reality is really not what it's cracked up to be.
I stand by the idea that I am still 17. As out of date that is...it makes me feel good.

There's so many things that I want and turning 30 is not one of them.
So many things I haven't done yet and still intend to do.
And so much that I don't intend to spend my life (waste it) doing.

I'm making money...and yet it is being syphoned away anyway.
I'm learning things daily...and yet there is always something else to learn.
I'm expanding my horizons...and yet I still see stars in the distance.
And I'm moving so terribly slowly.
But I am moving and that's something.

I feel like I am finally doing things that I should have done all along.
Things I wish I'd been free to do in the right time.
But it is the right time. Always is the right time. I'm grateful for that.

Listen to me spouting all this drivel. *laughs* I'm tired today, that must be why I'm feeling so dramatic.

I am getting to know myself all over again.
I hadn't realized I'd gone so far away.

2:01am: It's one of those times again. I can feel it.

There's a point every few years where it's just one of those times. It's like a growth spurt, only my clothes still fit.

It only comes clear once it's nearly over, but while I ponder it just now, I think this one isn't going to be over very soon. But this feeling helps with the struggle to deal with it. At least I know what's going on. I can' handle it if I know how it's going to go.

I'm one of those intuitive people who has spent all her life studying both herself and the world and watching what's really going on, so this will probably sound very strange to anyone else.

Every few years there's a period of change where a huge personality/emotional shift happens in my life. Usually that period is...well...amusingly it's like a period. Extended PMS for months and months and months where the entire world sucks, nothing works right, everything is a mess, and I don't know how to handle it. It's so very depressing and horrible and I can feel myself changing little by little and I hate it. But once I start to come out of it, it's like a cloud lifts and everything is clear and I can see it all like a road map that leads right up to the place I'm suddenly standing at. ...and it's all okay.

I feel like that is what's happening now. Things are starting to clear. There's gaps in the fog suddenly and as I look through them I feel...peaceful. It's just so painful pushing through that fog and I have a feeling that this time it's going to take a while longer before it all clears again. But I've had a glimps of that clarity today and that alone makes me feel better.

This period has also lasted quite a bit longer than I recall them lasting, but I'm not sure. I never quite know when they start. I only when I start to become terribly depressed by it.

18 months ago, I suddenly got a inter-protruding disk in my neck that has had me in never ending pain ever since. I lived with it for 7 months before I finally went to the ever hated phobia-causing doctor. Once I started that, I started to realize I was really depressed. I think that's where this all started. Because I've had to once again revolve and resolve my life around my own weakness and I hate admitting weakness.

I've had to rethink all the things that have been important to me these last 7 years and find new resolutions for them and myself. My boss asked me recently what it was that I would need to be happy. The real answer (which I didn't give him) was that "there's nothing you can do to make me happy." These last months...I don't know how many. Maybe the entire 18 have just been one long downward spiral. Yet another of those life lessons where I come out a changed person in the end. I'm not there yet...but at least right now I can feel it's reaching some sort of resolution. I can feel it beginning to count down.

What a relief, and yet still...not there yet.
So many things still left to be resolved.
I wish it would hurry up, but you just can't rush these things.
And incidentally I think I've finally reached the point where I've washed my hands of the idiocy of christianity that I was forcefed all my life.
Really, what does it matter?

2:50pm: no more stress

that's all

tired of living to other peoples' expectations and needs

tired of having to be responsible

tired of wanting to be responsible and respectable

tired of not getting any credit for it when everyone else is a waste of human skin that mooch and do whatever they can to get away with whatever they can...and then get everything they want with no penalties

ready for a reckoning

and probably not going to get one

12:42am: ...gods...

I so need a new job.
I started my graveyard shift tonight by sitting in the ER for an hour and a half babysitting an obnoxious drunk.
I don't need this kind of frustration. I think it's high time that I left it to someone else to deal with.
There were points where I was pretty sure he was going to lose it and try and deck me and the first thing that came to my mind was...how much more will this make my neck hurt?

That should not be my main worry when trying to keep an asshole on his best behavior. I'm all tense and angry now and it's been an hour since then and my neck hurts and I am tired of this. I have got to do something new. I'm just so glad I'm clearheaded and today wasn't a migrane day because I definitely couldn't have dealt with tonight on top of a migrane.

And now that I've remembered my password, I can vent again and no one will ever see or care because no one reads this and I can just be antisocial and separate and no one will even have a clue how pissed off I am at everything and..........I'm ranting.

*deep breath*

*sigh*

I think I'm depressed. But I'm not sure if it's me or if it's the meds I'm on. Though I was depressed before them...but that was because I was in pain. But before that...I can't remember if I was depressed then too. All I know is that right now I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone or even call my best friend and on my days off I sit in the dark at home and play video games or watch movies over and over again and feel absolutely no inclination to communicate with anyone or go anywhere. Supposedly those are signs of depression, I'm pretty sure.

Yesterday I actually left the house on my own...but that was just to go to the pharmacy. And I went to the bank and then picked up lunch and came home again even though my friend had left me a message to call her and go have lunch.

So what does that mean?
Does that mean I'm happy like this or something?
Because I don't want to do anything else.
And I don't want to have to explain that because I have no explanation beyond a shrug of shoulders and a "I dunno...".

*shrugs*
I dunno...

1:48am: Took me forever just to remember my damn password. XD

And I've been away from this for a long time. I shall endeavor to write something here ever so often again. I shall start tonight...

*sigh* I'm at work again...at nearly 2am...on a day when I should have been home by 11pm, damn it! I need a new job where I'm not constantly covering for some asshole who just felt like not coming in and wanted a damn four day weekend. When do I get four day weekends??? Never. Because I don't take them. Because I care about my paycheck, my coworkers, my pride, and my responsibility, goddamnit!

I'm tired of covering for people who never cover for anyone else.
I'm tired of having fucked up schedules and never having time when anyone else is awake.
I'm tired of being tired and in pain.
I'm tired.

My new boss likes me...
He keeps dangling these carrots in front of my nose...
The last one came with doubling my pay...
But no matter what he says, it'll be months before I find out if he's not just trying to give me false hope. It would be nice...doubling my pay...really nice. Would take away a lot of this stress.

And my back hurts. I'm a pain clinic patient now. *shakes head* I throw unruly pain clinic patients out of my workplace as part of my job...and suddenly I'm a pain clinic patient myself...
*sigh*
I can understand why they are so angry a lot of the time now. It's taking damn 2 months for me to just get in to see my doctor.

I'm tired of tension headaches too.

My manager should be coming through the door any minute now... Finally I can go home and sleep......and come back to work in 10 hours.

3:01am: Young Man's Heart - chapter 17
I Feel The Emptiness
Believe it or not, I’ve been working on this chapter for ages and ages. Hopefully it’s not a crappy one. It has been a long time and I’ve had a heck of a time getting into the feel of it. Thanks to those who have left me reviews recently. Each time I saw one show up, that was another kick in the backside to try and write a few more paragraphs. I was very stuck on the plot. Hopefully it will come more smoothly now.
Someone suggested that I have a pairing in the description...but there is no pairing yet and I haven't decided what the pairing will be yet anyway. At some point there will be one, but not just yet. *smirks* So...
Of Just Another Day In Hell


( Young Man's Heart - All Self Inflicted - Chapter 17 )

4:35pm: Being a Southern Californian, I suppose that comes with a certain tendency toward stubborness. We may not get hurricanes or tornadoes that tear through neighborhoods and rip your livelihoods apart.
We live with earthquakes and wild fires.

I've been through at least 7 wildfires myself and this one really isn't anything new. The routine is always the same. I am sitting in Ramona right now. Two fires have come nearly a mile from my house on three sides. There's still two large fires west and northwest of me. Equally, my 71 year old dad is sitting in Dulzura on the other side of the county and the fire came right up to his fenceline and circled his home. He hid out so that the police couldn't force him out. We're the ones that turn on the sprinklers and set up on the roof so we can see and stand our ground.
It was thick with smoke and ash and the winds up here stayed pretty high. Average 50 mph and frequent gusts up to 80mph that would slam into you hard enough to make you stumble. Even the park toward the north end of town has been charred and burned.

We stayed up the whole night watching and waiting just in case the fire decided to carreen straight through town. When I finally got cell reception this morning a friend called and wanted to know how things were since he knew that I'd most likely wait it out. He said that he expected that I was sitting on my roof with a water hose and giving the fire the finger. :P
He joked that that's how you know a true east county denizen...because in an evacuation they are the ones who are still standing in their yards bar-b-queing with a bandana tied around their face, a beer in one hand...and a hose in the other.

I thought this was especially amusing...because though Dug was the one with the hose...I gotta admit I was the one with the wet bandana and I did suggest firing up the bar-b-que at about 1am when I got hungry. XD I refrained from cracking open a beer, though. I'd already had a couple kahluas earlier in the evening and I figured I should be able to drive if need be. ^_^;

But I think I'll crack one open now. :D

1:17am: I took it again... :P
Since I was really kinda sick when I took it the first time.


Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 43%
Visual : 56%
Left : 47%
Right : 52%

No matter which side of your brain is dominant,
M i n d W a r e
can strengthen your emotional brain power by helping you understand how
you feel about yourself.

You exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.

You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a "thinking" individual, you "take in" entire situations readily and can act on intuition.

You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.

With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.

Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself -- and of others -- while maintaining an "openness" which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional

1:50am: Left/Right Brain Dominance
http://mindmedia. com/braintest. html

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 43%
Visual : 56%
Left : 41%
Right : 58%

No matter which side of your brain is dominant,
M i n d W a r e
can strengthen your emotional brain power by helping you understand how
you feel about yourself.


You possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in "wholes" without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some "inner dialogue."

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk "missing out" on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

12:52am: Young Man's Heart 16

After so very long...finally an update.
Gohan goes home to visit with the family. It's short, but I didn't want to waste any more time. The visit will finish in the next chapter.

 

10:37am: Family ties??? Why?
Okay. I'm going to rant. 
Because I'm on vacation visiting with family I haven't seen in 11 years and I'm on my best behavior and doing my fucking best to get along. I love my brother and his family. They're awesome.
But I've about had as much of living with dad as I can stand for a while. It's only been a week and a half and I started wanting to leave the room every time he started talking about 2 days ago. Damn it. It's going to suck leaving my bro to go home again, but I'll be so damn happy to have some breathing room from dad!!!

It's not even that he's really done anything...except be himself and all...but it's just starting to annoy me and just now he pissed me off so royally. Damn it. Over something stupid. And most of it is just that he fucking just casually kicked my pride in the shin. I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. Maybe he was just curiuos or something. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't answer because I thought it was a stupid question and he didn't like that. But he made me so irrationally angry for a few minutes that I walked out of the room and just paced until I could sit down again and write this. Best behavior...best behavior...don't need to mouth off...just swallow it...grrrrrr...

So stupid.
Okay...
We all went to a movie last night. Took the kids to Meet The Robinsons. Now, there was a point in time when I was so emotionally stunted that I was incapable of crying or laughing. I had to work on it really hard to get to a point where I could do both of those things and mean it. Now, I'm actually content with myself and relatively happy. And I fucking cry at sad movies and I can't help it. I've accepted that it's okay. Took me a while to do that. And I've also found that sappy family stuff kicks on my waterworks too.
So I cried watching damn Meet The Robinsons. I did. Okay? Get over it. Fuck off.

All dad did was ask me out of the blue just now... "So what was that? At that movie last night? Crying like that. You almost made me cry. Crying at that stupid movie..." As if that was something I had to defend myself for.
It took me by surprise and I just looked at him for a few seconds and thought...'What the fuck?' I had the sudden injured-pride need to respond with a sarcastic "Well it made me remember how fucked up my family was while growing up and how I wished I'd known a cool and functional family that would adopt me into it." But I refrained. I didn't say that. I know that wouldn't have been cool and would just have hurt dad's feelings and started an argument. So I said instead... "Is that a crime?"

He responded with "Gee. You've got an answer for everything, huh? Got an answer for everything. You're so smart. I ask a question and instead of an answer you ask a question. Is it a crime... All you had to say was "I'm a weakling"."

I was so angry. I almost went ahead and said my sarcastic answer along with "You're the one that just said that you almost cried. So what if I'm comfortable enough with myself to fucking cry at a fucking movie. I've got fucking emotions and I'm not so fucking afraid of being seen as weak that I'm willing to motherfucking show them now. Like you, fucking toughass motherfucker that you are, you don't cry at movies, but you fucking let shithead renters and assholes take advantage of you and steal your money and say god will deal with them someday and don't fucking stand up for yourself and deal with them like a man. Yeah, I fucking cried over a disney movie!! But remember who cried at my own mother's funeral and who fell to pieces and never recovered? It wasn't fucking me you fucking toughass sonovabitch so don't you fucking talk to me about being a weakling you damn bastard!! Don't you dare talk to me about that!!"

But I didn't say any of that. I just walked away and paced and then wrote it all here. And he just came over and showed me the newspaper where it talks about this 65 convertable mustang that is going to be raffled and then talked about how great it would be to win that and how he'd get it back to California and......fucking hell......I actually feel guilty about being so mad at him.

Aw fuck!! And the cat just farted on me!!! Nastyass little cat!! I've never smelled anything so foul as this damn cat!

*sigh*

I really hope that dad does seriously consider moving close to my brother. I know my bro would take care of him. He thinks the world of dad. Because I...I just can't handle him. I've never been close to him and I don't want to be. I resent him so much. He was my hero once upon a time...until I realized that all the things that I saw in him...weren't really all there. But my bro still worships him. He'd take care of him in his old age. He has the money for it. I really don't want the responsibility. 

As terrible of me as that is. I don't want it.

6:49am: This was one of the most stressful weeks I've had in a long time.
For the first time in probably a year, I had wonderfully long nails and over this last week I chewed them all away.
And the last 24 hours have been the worst of all. Just terrible. Especially finishing out work this morning.
I even chased off one of my coworkers at shift change because I was angry and cussing.
I'm ready for my vacation.

And I stepped out into the morning light. 65 degrees of clear, easy, quiet air. 
I drove home in my jeep, the top down, the cool wind licking over my skin and the radio whispering in my ears.
And I drove all the way home with my tired, weary eyes focused on a pure pewter and platinum sunrise.
No gold, no rose, no blue.
Just pure, cool white and gray and silver and glowing bright like the moon on the ocean waves.
It was beautiful and calming.

It reminded me.
That all over the world everywhere you go...people will always be people...
But the sky will always be the sky too.

And that's just fine. 
That's how it's supposed to be.
It's beautiful.

2:42am: Empathic Vampirism?
I've been avoiding my best friend. 
For a long time now.
It really sucks.
It really pisses her off too.
Which really sucks because then she's hostile and that makes me avoid her even more.
But it's easier than having to deal with things.
I've had lots of time to think about it...or not think about it, however you like to look at it. Because actively not thinking about something just makes it that much more crucial to think about and therefore obsess over and just be all around unhappy about.

I saw a show on the Discovery channel about Psychic Vampires. As strange and laughable as that sounds...it was on the Discovery Channel! And it actually made sense! ...if you look past the skeptically realistic part of your brain...which is usually wrong anyway. I almost want to say that there's some definite psychic vampirism between myself and my best friend. But I'm not sure which one of us is the one feeding off the other. Supposedly if you're a victim, you come away feeling down and drained and just...like you've been emotionally/mentally bloodsucked. 

At first, I figured that that she must be a mind sucking fiend because damn...it always takes so much out of me to be around her when she's in a mood...which is most of the time now. But now...now I'm wondering if it's the other way around. Because I get that with other people too. It's not as strong...she carries a whole bunch of shit so it's usually really intense with her... But I get highs and lows around other people too. I'm like a fucking empathic sponge. So now I wonder...if it's actually me who absorbs shit off others. Maybe I'm a fucking psychic vampire.

And she's so full of shit right now. She's so self absorbed. She's so convinced that all reality is out to crush and destroy her. She's blaming everything and everyone including herself...but she's not willing to move on. She's just running in a loop like a broken record and she won't take criticism and she won't take help and she won't let go. And I just can't take it. I don't want to. There was a point in time when I hated myself more than she hates herself. That was when I wanted misery and I wanted pain and anguish. I felt that I deserved it and when I got it, it was good. That whole sadistic self mutilating persona was me...a few years ago. It's slowly faded away and I find myself actually content with myself and my life and my surroundings. Strangely enough this contentment has slowly grown while my faith and trust in a christian god has slowly faltered and dwindled.
There was a time that keeping company with my friend, for better or worse, fed me something that I craved and needed as well as aleviated her of some of the stress and weight. But even then, I would get to points where I just couldn't bear the weight anymore and I'd have to stop and ignore her for a while till I recovered enough strength to carry it again. 

That's where I am right now. I can't handle it anymore...only...now I don't want it either. I'm content. I'm even motivated. And I know that if I draw her shit into me, I'll lose that. 
I love being around her when she's up. I can't get enough of it. I remember when we used to have so much fun. I remember tearing through town in her car as she blared the radio and screamed into the night sky. She fought and she played and she made horrible fun of others and I sat alongside her, much more restrained...but revelling in it all, soaking it in, watching her and living through her angry joy, feeling it bleed into me. I can't think of any high that has ever been as good as that. 
But she's not like that anymore. She hasn't been in a long time. Now she's just defeated. She's forgotten how to be that way. She's let it all crush her down into a shell of what she used to be. I miss her so much. And she's so mad at me because she doesn't understand any of this and she never will. I could never explain it.

So I'm avoiding her. And soon, she's going to give up on me too. Because she's going to see me as another failed friend. And she'll be right. I failed her because I stopped trying to help her. I stopped soaking up the shit that she doesn't want help escaping from. 

It sounds so strange to say that I can't deal with her emotions anymore. I don't want to take depression into myself anymore. I don't feel like I need it. I don't need it. I don't want it. She can keep it until she's tired of it and lets it go like I let mine go. It sucks being a fucking empath. 
Especially an emotionally blocked empath. Most of the time I don't feel my own emotions. I control them through music...or through the company I keep. ...and most of the people I'm around are fucking depressives. Except at work. That's probably why I enjoy it so much...because on certain days, I get to soak up certain coworkers for nearly a whole 8 hour shift and I feel great. 

I hate that when I think of working vs. hanging out with my best friend...I prefer the idea of working...

11:36pm: craptastic at work, I'm a narc again
Heh. 

Long time no post. Well, I got one for today, so there. 

Once again, I feel I'm not making any friends at work. Not that I'm supposed to. I'm security. I'm supposed to be the bad guy. It's my job. It seems I'm at least passable at it. 

EVS = Environmental Services = Janitors.

I've been working the graveyard security spot on the weekends. Now, I've been covering for the normal security person during the week while that person is on vacation. And I cover for her every other time she's out for any number of random and sadly predictible reasons which we all know consist of "don't feel like working" even if she says it's something else.

Anyway. During one of these other times covering her shift...the EVS supervisor, say his name is Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith called me to ask if I would let EVS workers into the Nutrition(kitchen) to do work all night. I said no. Nutrition is a Restricted Access Only area after hours. He wasn't happy. He ended up staying all night to watch his workers do their job in the Nutrition area to make sure they were supervised.

Now...last weekend, Mr. Smith approached me again since I'll be the graveyard security for a while. He mentioned to me that, in light of the fact that Nutrition is "Restricted Access" he wanted to make sure I was aware of an "agreement" he had with the Nutrition staff that allowed him to take his workers into the kitchen and get them some free stuff. He said the other graveyard security was aware as was the head nursing supervisor. He just wanted to make sure I was aware since there wasn't any "official authorization" to be noted. 

I just nodded and smiled and made understanding statements because as far as I knew, NO ONE was allowed in that area after hours ESPECIALLY EVS. So in the morning, I mentioned the conversation to a certain someone...who mentioned it to another certain someone...who replied "Oh hell no!!" And now...I have an angry EVS supervisor looking for me because he's being interviewed and investigated. 

^_^;

And someone told me I'd be a pretty good cop because I have some sense. 

It's an interesting day.

3:09am: Let's get this fuckin show on the road already

Failure is not an option.

Determination and Perseverance
are my demons and my angels.

Triumph is my love.

I am not at home for Mr. Fuckup.

I am crouched in the hedge beside the walkway with
full camo ensamble and a shotgun for Mr. Fuckup.

Triumph and I will live happily ever after.

4:58am:

Link: The Alignment Test written by xan81 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

2:37pm: What the fuck do you think I am???
It always takes me a little while to absorb and react to things. It especially takes longer when they are things that I don't want to absorb in the first place and would rather just ignore and forget about.

So I've been growing increasingly annoyed and disgruntled for the last 7 hours. By the end of my work shift, I'll probably be jittery and on edge and ready to either bite everyone's heads off or cry. I really hate feeling like this, but I know how it'll go. It's happened enough times already.

I'm just...why dance around it? I'm angry. And I'm specifically angry at someone. And I feel that I've been unfairly boxed in. I know that part of that feeling comes from the fact that I'm so very independant and that I hate anyone telling me anything about myself. Which he did both of. As if he could get whatever reaction/answer he wanted just because he wanted it really badly. As if I owed him the answer he wanted. And he told me how he believed that I felt and he assumed that because he felt something strongly, then I must feel it too. And he kept looking to me to answer specifically the way he wanted me too. So I'm indignantly angry.

But I'm also angry because he disappointed me severely by asking what he did. I'm angry because I think highly of him and he gave me a reason not to think so highly of him. He pretty much asked me to completely go against my own personal ethics for his whim. Like asking someone to rob a bank with you because you want money really badly. I don't want someone else's money. I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to lose all the great things I have right now just for the chance to have more. And I certainly am not willing to risk all of my livlihood for *you*. Who are you? Why the fuck are you worth that to me?? You're not. First of all, it's wrong. Second of all, there are penalties. Third of all, I'm quite happy with all the shit I have right now already.
You're not happy with your shit? That sounds like a personal problem to me. Definitely not my problem. Why the hell do you think that I'm going to ruin my happiness to try and make you happy?

What did he ask me?
He asked me to have an affair with him.
I like him. He's a friend of mine. Thus, the hard time I'm having with trying not to blow up at him. I'm trying to be fair minded and open and understanding of the fact that he's not happy and that for some reason he has decided that I'm the answer to all his problems and that I'm great and wonderful and perfect and so much better than his wife.
But I'm angry.
I'm angry that he dared to think that I would. He actually thought that I WOULD! What the fuck am I worth if I'm the kind of person that WOULD DO THAT?! That would make me a worthless, disgusting, untrustworthy, absolutely dispicable, deplorable waste of humanity. I have more pride in myself than that. That would completely undermine all the things that I have ever striven to achieve in my existence.

My question now is how can I make him understand that? I want him to understand what a stupid thing he's done...and yet not just smash him down. Because I like him. And I'd like to respect him still. But what he did has made me very angry and hurt and insulted. I'm trying to come to grips with it and accept it and move on.

*sigh*
Now that I've had my rant... I'll get back to working things out now.

2:11am: Young Man's Heart - 15
I Recall The Light
I’m beginning to really get an idea of where this will eventually go. I had always had something in mind, but now it is fleshing itself out better than I ever imagined. And more complexly.
The Dark Smothers Me


( Young Man's Heart 15 - Bleeding and Bruised )

11:03pm: pain
My back went out again.
It hurts.
And there isn't even a good reason for it.

My back survived a car accident intact.

But sitting in class...not doing anything...it went out on me...
It hurts sooo much. My back woke me up at 6am and I couldn't move, it was awful.
It hasn't hurt like this in such a long time.
I think I may have to go to the chiropractor this time.
I'm still making it to work, though.
It's times like these that I saved my tooth medication for.

blah

Been trying to write. It's coming so very slow. But it's coming.

double blah

Gonna go have a coke.

12:33pm: ANI DIFRANCO LYRICS

"Untouchable Face"

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

4:33pm: Young Man's Heart - Chapter 14
And another update!

All caught up now!

And all memories now!

You have no excuse but to read!


( Young Man's Heart - Why Even Try - Chapter 14 )

4:12pm: Young Man's Heart - Chapter 13
And another update!

Buahaaaah!

( Young Man's Heart - Colors - Chapter 13 )

4:02pm: Young Man's Heart - Chapter 12
Okay, I'll catch the story up again here.

Just for you, Dyn!

Memories - http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?keyword=Gohan&user=genuinerogue&sortby=user

...........since you're the only one that reads this thing anymore...... ^_^; *shrugs*

( Young Man's Heart - Shed My Skin - Chapter 12 )